Thursday, April 7, 2011

A confession

I'm honestly terrified to take my kid in a car by myself. Gripping, panicky kind of fear. I've been this way since he was born. I've never told anyone this, but I didn't even want to get in the car to take him home. Well, that was mostly for a couple of reasons. Foremost was the issue of being in a car with him, and secondly, was realizing it was pretty fucking real at that point. I was taking a squirming, wiggly, non-verbal human being home alone without the assistance of the nurses. Oy.

I've gotten better about being IN a car with him if Dennis is driving, but taking somewhere on my else will almost send me into a full blown panic attack. So, I force myself to take him places. We routinely head to the library on Saturday mornings, and I try to take him if I have minor errands to run so that I can get out with him. I don't want to be that parent that doesn't take their kid anywhere. We discuss rules in the car (when we're in the library, we walk from place to place, we share, we talk in low voices, etc.), but I mostly stay very quiet when I drive. I never have the radio on, and I let him talk to me. I listen and respond appropriately, I guess. I mean, how do you respond to, "I'm going to be a giant when I grow up, Mommy".

So, I guess from now on, I need to push through this. We always have a good time when we get out, and he's going through a phase where he seems to 'need' me more. Apparently, he stood at the window and cried/whined/fussed when I left for my nightly run.

For once, my kid thinks I rule. And that's pretty freaking sweet

1 comment:

  1. I totally understand. Zane was so helpless, and I was so clueless when he came home and there wasn't a nurse to tell me if there was something wrong. I still have panic attacks when it's just he and I, mine are just random instead of fixed like yours.